Observing the weekend parade of families navigating the shaded pathways of the Singapore Botanic Gardens, one notices a distinct rhythm to the modern child-rearing enterprise. Between the sleek Scandinavian strollers, the organic rice snacks, and the subtle negotiations over iPad screen time, there is a pervasive, low-level hum of anxiety. In a city-state that prizes efficiency, world-class infrastructure, and measurable outcomes, parenting has inevitably become another key performance indicator. The contemporary Singaporean parent is exhausted, caught between the crushing weight of traditional kiasu (fear of losing out) culture and modern, gentle-parenting ideals.
However, a radical shift in perspective offers a way out of this high-stress milieu. The Courage to Be Disliked, the international bestseller by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, presents the profound, somewhat counter-intuitive tenets of Adlerian psychology. Through a Socratic dialogue between a philosopher and a youth, the book dismantles our conventional understanding of trauma, interpersonal relationships, and self-worth.
At Real Value SG, we consistently advocate for optimising one's resources—not merely financial capital, but emotional bandwidth and time. True value in parenting does not lie in exhausting yourself to curate a flawless childhood, nor in spending thousands of SGD on tuition centres to guarantee academic success. Real cultural and temporal value is found in raising resilient, self-sufficient individuals. For parents managing the volatile transition years of a seven-year-old daughter entering Primary 1 and a five-year-old son navigating Kindergarten, Adlerian psychology provides a razor-sharp, liberating framework. Here is how to apply these philosophical concepts to the everyday rigours of parenting in Singapore.
The Adlerian Paradigm: Redefining the Parenting Goal
Adlerian psychology, founded by the Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler, diverges sharply from Freudian psychoanalysis. Where Sigmund Freud argued that our past traumas dictate our present behaviour (etiology), Adler argued that we pull our behaviour towards our future goals (teleology). Furthermore, Adler posited that all problems are, at their core, interpersonal relationship problems.
To apply this to your family dynamic, one must first abandon the role of the "manager" and adopt the role of a "collaborator." The goal is not to mold your seven-year-old daughter into a miniature academic scholar for the impending Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE), nor is it to force your five-year-old son into unquestioning obedience. The objective is to foster self-reliance and a genuine sense that they are capable, valuable members of society.
Teleology Over Etiology: Understanding Your Child's True Motives
Teleology is the Adlerian concept that human behaviour is driven by present goals rather than past causes. When addressing challenging behaviour in young children, adopting a teleological viewpoint instantly clarifies the situation and removes parental guilt.
Consider a familiar scenario: it is a humid Tuesday evening at FairPrice Finest. Your five-year-old son throws a spectacular, operatic tantrum because you refused to purchase a sugary snack. The standard etiologic (Freudian) interpretation suggests he is acting out because he is tired, because he is hungry, or because of a lack of earlier emotional regulation. This perspective forces the parent into an endless cycle of appeasement and forensic analysis.
Adlerian teleology, however, suggests your son manufactured the anger to achieve a specific goal. The goal is to submit you to his will and secure the snack, or at the very least, to command your absolute attention. His anger is merely a tool, unsheathed to achieve an outcome.
Recognising this changes your response entirely. By understanding that the emotion is fabricated for a purpose, you no longer need to match his emotional frequency. You can remain detached, cosmopolitan, and entirely unbothered. You firmly state the boundary—"We are not buying this today"—and allow him to process his tactical failure without offering a grand emotional reaction. Over time, as the tool of anger proves ineffective for his goals, he will discard it.
For your seven-year-old daughter, who may be dawdling in the morning while donning her school uniform, the etiologic view says she is moving slowly because she is sleepy. The teleological view recognises she is moving slowly to keep your undivided, albeit frustrated, attention before the school day begins. Addressing the goal ("I see you want my attention, let us spend five minutes talking in the car") is far more effective than screaming at her to put on her socks.
The Separation of Tasks: The Ultimate Boundary
The separation of tasks is arguably the most liberating and controversial concept in The Courage to Be Disliked. Adler states that we must clearly delineate our own tasks from the tasks of others, and we must never intervene in another person’s task. Doing so is the root of all interpersonal conflict.
To identify whose task something is, you simply ask: Who ultimately receives the end result brought about by the choice that is made?
Relinquishing Control Over Primary 1 Homework
In the hyper-competitive educational landscape of Singapore, parents frequently blur the lines of task separation. When your seven-year-old daughter brings home a tingxie (Chinese spelling) list or a mathematics worksheet, whose task is it to ensure the work is completed?
The Singaporean default is to assume this is a shared burden, leading to tearful evenings at the dining table, erased papers, and strained vocal cords. But applying Adlerian logic, studying is unequivocally the child's task. If she fails the spelling test, she is the one who bears the academic and social consequence, not you. When you force her to study, you are intruding on her task.
Your role, as a parent, is not to do the task for her, nor to micromanage its execution. Your task is to provide the optimal infrastructure for success. You supply a quiet desk in your HDB flat or condominium. You provide the stationary. You communicate clearly: "This is your homework. If you need help understanding a concept, I am here and ready to assist you."
If she chooses not to do it, you must have the courage to let her face her teacher the next day. This sounds bordering on negligent to the traditional parent, but the value for time here is immense. By separating tasks, you remove the nightly conflict. More importantly, she learns intrinsic motivation. She learns that her education belongs to her.
Ending the Mealtime Battles with Your Five-Year-Old
The separation of tasks applies equally to physiological needs, which often become battlegrounds for five-year-olds. Consider meal times. In many local households, it is common to see a domestic helper or a grandparent chasing a toddler around the living room with a spoon, coaxing them to consume a bowl of porridge.
Eating is the child's task. If the five-year-old chooses not to eat, the natural consequence is that he will experience hunger. Intruding on this task turns nutrition into a power struggle.
Provide a balanced, nutritious meal. Set a reasonable time limit for the family to sit at the table. If he eats, wonderful. If he chooses to play with his food, calmly remove the plate after the designated time without a lecture. "I see you are not hungry right now. Dinner is over." When he complains of hunger an hour later, you do not provide a bespoke snack. He learns rapidly that eating during mealtime is his responsibility. This separation respects his autonomy while establishing firm, unshakeable boundaries that protect your own peace of mind.
Forging Horizontal Relationships: The Abolition of Praise
Walking through the central business district this morning, one notices a shift in corporate management styles—a move away from rigid hierarchies toward flatter, collaborative structures. Adlerian psychology demands this exact same shift within the family unit. We must abandon vertical relationships (where one person is 'above' and the other is 'below') and construct horizontal relationships (where people are equal, though different in roles and experience).
Why 'Good Job' is Damaging
In a vertical relationship, the parent evaluates the child. This manifests in two ways: rebuke (punishment) or praise (reward). While modern parents have largely moved away from corporal punishment, they have heavily leaned into praise. We dispense stickers, enthusiastic applause, and cries of "Good boy!" or "Good girl!" for the most mundane tasks.
Kishimi and Koga argue that praise is fundamentally manipulative. It is an evaluation passed down from a figure of authority to a subordinate, designed to manipulate the subordinate into repeating the desired behaviour. When you praise your seven-year-old for cleaning her room, you are unconsciously reinforcing a vertical hierarchy.
Furthermore, relying on praise creates a profound vulnerability. If your children only behave well to receive your validation, they develop an external locus of identity. They will navigate their primary school years, and later the corporate world, desperately seeking the approval of authority figures rather than acting out of their own moral compass. They lose the courage to be disliked.
The Power of Encouragement and Gratitude
If we cannot praise and we cannot punish, how do we guide a five-year-old and a seven-year-old? Adler suggests 'encouragement' based on horizontal equality. We replace evaluation with gratitude, respect, and objective observation.
When your five-year-old son manages to assemble a complex LEGO structure, you do not evaluate him by saying, "You are so smart." Instead, you engage horizontally. You state an objective fact: "You worked on that for a very long time without giving up." Or you express personal joy: "I really enjoyed watching you build that."
When your seven-year-old daughter helps carry the groceries back from the nearby NTUC FairPrice, you do not say, "Good girl." You express genuine gratitude as you would to a colleague or a friend: "Thank you for carrying those heavy bags. That was a huge help to me."
Hearing the words "Thank you" teaches a child that they have made a positive contribution to their community. It builds a robust, internalised sense of self-worth that is entirely insulated from the fleeting opinions of others. This is the cornerstone of generating Real Value SG in your parenting approach: you are investing in their psychological resilience.
Fostering 'Gemeinschaftsgefühl': Community Feeling
The ultimate destination of Adlerian psychology is Gemeinschaftsgefühl, often translated as "community feeling" or "social interest." It is the profound sense that one has a place in the world, that one belongs, and that one is of use to others. According to Adler, happiness is the feeling of contribution.
Children in modern, affluent societies are often treated as passive recipients of care. Their schedules are curated, their meals are prepared, and their messes are cleaned by parents or domestic helpers. This creates a deeply self-centred worldview. To foster community feeling in your seven-year-old and five-year-old, you must immediately transition them from 'guests' in your home to active 'contributors'.
Implementing Tangible Responsibilities
True confidence does not come from being told one is special; it comes from the tangible knowledge that one is capable and useful. Assign meaningful, age-appropriate roles to both children that genuinely impact the household ecosystem.
For the seven-year-old, her contribution could be managing the recycling. She is responsible for sorting the paper and plastics and walking them down to the blue bins at the void deck. This is not a chore for which she receives a monetary allowance—one does not pay a family member for existing in the family. It is her contribution to the group.
For the five-year-old, his task could be setting the table before dinner or watering the corridor plants. When these tasks are completed, apply the horizontal relationship principle. Offer a simple, sincere, "Thank you, the table looks great, and now we can all sit down to eat."
When children feel they are of use to their immediate community (the family), they stop seeking negative attention. They realise their value is inherent in their contribution, not in their ability to out-score their peers on a spelling test or command the loudest presence in the room.
The Courage to Be Disliked by Your Children
Applying Adlerian psychology requires immense fortitude. To separate tasks, to withhold manipulative praise, and to view your children as equals rather than extensions of your own ego goes against the grain of traditional societal expectations in Singapore.
When you refuse to sit with your daughter for three hours to force her through a mathematics drill, other parents may judge you as disengaged. When you allow your five-year-old to go hungry because he refused to eat his dinner, onlookers at the hawker centre may view you as draconian. More poignantly, your children will push back. They will be angry when you no longer engage in their power struggles. They will be frustrated when you stop taking responsibility for their tasks.
This is where you, as the parent, must summon the courage to be disliked.
Freedom, as Kishimi and Koga define it, is the ability to be disliked by other people. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living according to your own principles. By having the courage to withstand the temporary displeasure of your five-year-old and seven-year-old, you are granting them the ultimate gift. You are freeing them from the burden of living to satisfy your expectations.
The Real Value Conclusion
In an era of hyper-parenting, the truest value we can offer our children is the space to develop their own autonomy. Applying The Courage to Be Disliked to your parenting strategy in Singapore offers a profound return on investment.
By understanding teleology, you reclaim your emotional equilibrium, refusing to be drawn into manufactured tantrums. By separating tasks, you reclaim your time, ending the gruelling micromanagement of homework and mealtimes. By establishing horizontal relationships, you foster genuine mutual respect, replacing hollow praise with empowering gratitude. Finally, by nurturing community feeling, you equip your seven-year-old daughter and five-year-old son with a bulletproof sense of self-worth.
You step back, not out of apathy, but out of profound respect for their individual journeys. You allow them to stumble, to experience the natural consequences of their actions, and to realise that their worth is not contingent on external validation. In doing so, you prepare them not just for the rigours of the Singaporean school system, but for the complex, beautiful reality of life itself.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I apply the separation of tasks if my 7-year-old’s teacher expects me to sign and check her daily homework?
Communicate transparently with the teacher. Inform them that you are fostering independence and will sign the work to acknowledge completion, but you will not correct the errors beforehand. Let the teacher assess the child’s actual understanding, and allow your daughter to experience the natural academic consequences of her mistakes.
If I stop praising my 5-year-old, won't he feel unloved or ignored when he achieves something?
No, he will feel respected. Replace evaluative praise ("Good boy," "You are so smart") with genuine gratitude and descriptive encouragement ("Thank you for helping me clean up," "I noticed you worked very hard on that drawing"). This builds internal self-worth rather than an addiction to external validation.
Is it safe to let a young child experience the natural consequences of not eating or not doing their tasks?
Yes, provided the consequences are safe and logical. Missing one meal will not harm a healthy five-year-old; it will simply teach him that hunger follows a refusal to eat during family mealtime. Ensuring a safe environment while allowing these low-stakes failures is crucial for developing long-term resilience and personal responsibility.
Further Reading
To deepen your understanding of Adlerian psychology and how to navigate the modern parenting landscape in Singapore, explore the resources below:
- Ministry of Education (MOE) Parent Kit: Practical resources and local context for supporting your child's holistic development without over-pressuring them.
- Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" by Alfie Kohn: A deep dive into the psychological dangers of evaluative praise, perfectly mirroring Adlerian horizontal relationships.
- The Courage to Be Disliked - Publisher's Page: Learn more about the original text by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga to fully grasp the philosophical nuances of Adlerian psychology.