Never Split the Difference

All ideas attributed to the author/author's team.

This tome was recommended by a senior management executive in one technology company. Well worth the time to read. Sharing some of the key ideas here and hope you can benefit from some of the great concepts.

Negotiation 101

Negotiation has transformation possibilities, can help us get what we want, and move others to a better place.

Tactical Empathy: Gain access to the mind of another person, balancing emotional intelligence and influence.

Sample exchange below - how would you fare against someone employing this strategy? =)

• A "no" oriented question to re-initiate contact "Have you given up on settling this amicably?"
• "It seems that you feel my (bill) is not justified" statement that leaves only the answer of "That's right"
• Calibrated question to reveal his thinking "How does this (bill) violate our agreement?"
• More "no" oriented questions to remove unspoken barriers "Are you saying I misled you?" "Are you saying I reneged on our agreement?"
• Labelling and mirroring the essence of his answers so he has to consider them again "It seems like you feel my work was subpar."
• A calibrated question in reply to any offer in order to get him to offer a solution "How am I supposed to accept that?"
• Offer a label that flatters his sense of control and power "It seems like you are the type of person who prides himself on the way he does business and has a knack for ...."
• A long pause and then one more "no"- oriented question. "Do you want to be known as someone who doesn't fulfil agreements?"

1) Be a Mirror

• "I'm sorry..."; mirror; silence; repeat
• Don't just be ready for surprises, use your skills to reveal surprises
• Don't commit to assumptions, view them as hypotheses and test them rigorously during the negotiation
• Negotiation is not an act of battle, it is a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible
• Make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say
• Slow. It. Down. Make people feel as if they are being heard to build trust and rapport
• Put a smile on your face to create mental agility in yourself and your counterpart
• Voice tone: default is the positive/playful (relax and smile). Alternatively late-night DJ voice, inflect voice downward, keep it calm and slow to create aura of authority
• Mirrors: repeat the last three words of what someone has just said to encourage empathy and bonding

2) Don't feel their pain, label it

• Imagine yourself in your counterpart's situation. Acknowledge the other person's situation to convey that you are listening
• Focus first on clearing the barriers to agreement. Do not deny them
• Pause after labelling a barrier or mirroring a statement, let it sink in
• Label your counterpart's fears to diffuse their power
• List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can. "accusation audit"
• Use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics

3) Beware "Yes" - Master "No"

• Break the habit of attempting to get people to say "yes"
• "No" is not a failure, learn how to hear it calmly
• Don't aim for "yes" at the start
• Trigger the speaker to say "no" to make him feel safe, secure and in control. That's why "Is now a bad time to talk?" is always better
• Force them into a "no" by intentionally mislabelling one of their emotions or desires or asking a ridiculous question
• Negotiation in their world - the other party needs to convince themselves that the solution is want is their own idea
• If the counterpart is ignoring you, contact them with a clear and concise "No" oriented question that suggests that you are ready to walk away e.g. "Have you given up on this project?"

4) Trigger the two words that immediately transform any negotiation (hint: it's not "left")

• The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behaviour will take hold
• Strive for "that's right" more than "yes"
• Use a summary to trigger a "that's right" Building blocks of a good summary are a label, combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate and emotionally affirm the world according to...

5) Bend their reality

• Anchor their emotions >  Let the other guy go first >  Establish a range > Pivot to non monetary terms > Use odd numbers > Surprise with a gift
• All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs
• Don't compromise - meeting halfway leads to bad deals for both sides
• When the counterpart uses the word "fair", ask them to explain how you are mistreating them
• Bend their reality by anchoring his starting point
• Loss aversion so make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction

6) Create the illusion of control

• Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Avoid aggressive confrontation
• Avoid question that can be answered with "yes" or tiny pieces of information since these require little thought and you will be expected to give something back
• Ask calibrated questions that start with "How" or "what" - provide an illusion of control and inspire them to speak at length
• Don't ask questions that start with "why"
• Calibrate your question to point your counterpart to solving your problem - encourage them to expend their energy on devising a solution
• Avoid angry emotional reactions
• Influence those behind the table

7) Guarantee execution

• Ask calibrated "how" questions, and ask them again and again to keep them engaged but off balance. Lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands
• Shape the negotiating environment with "How can I do that?" as a subtle version of "no"
• Always identify the motivations of the players "behind the table". Ask how a deal will affect everyone else and how on board they are.
• Pay close attention to tone of voice and body language - in-congruence shows lying or discomfort
• Rule of Three: use calibrated questions, summaries and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times
• If you are hearing a lot of "I", "me", "my" , the real power to decide probably lies elsewhere. On the contrary, "we", "they", "them" likely to be a decision maker keeping his options open.
• Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side

8) Bargain hard

• Identify their negotiating style: accommodator, assertive, analyst
• Prepare: design an ambitious and legitimate goal
• Prepare dodging tactics to avoid extreme anchors
• Set boundaries without anger: the situation is the problem, not the guy across the table
• Prepare an Ackerman plan

Ackerman model:

• set your target price X 
• set your first offer at 65% of X 
• calculate three raises of decreasing increments (85%, 95%, 100%) 
• use lots of empathy and different ways of saying "No" to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer 
• when calculating the final amount use precise non round number to give credibility and weight 
• throw in a non-monetary item with your final number to show you are at your limit

9) Find the Black Swan

• Let what you know guide you but not blind you
• Positive leverage: the ability to give someone what they want
• Negative leverage: the ability to hurt someone
• Normative leverage: use your counterpart's norms to bring them around
• Work to understand the other side's "religion"
• Review everything you hear from your counterpart
• Exploit the similarity principle
• When someone seems irrational, search for constraints, hidden desires and bad information
• Get face time with your counterpart and pay attention to verbal and nonverbal communication at unguarded moments

Negotiation Sheet

a) The Goal: set an optimistic but reasonable goal, define it clearly, write it down, discuss with someone else (make it harder to wimp out), carry the goal into the negotiation

b) Summary: the known facts that have led up to the negotiation

c) Labels/ Accusation audit

• It seems like X is valuable to you
• It seems like you don't like X
• It seems like you value X
• It seems like X makes it easier
• It seems like you're reluctant to X

d) Calibrated questions: to reveal value to you and your counterpart and overcome potential deal killers

• What are we trying to accomplish?
• How is that worthwhile?
• What is the core issue here?
• How does that affect things?
• What is the biggest challenge you face?
• How does this fit into what the objective is?
• (Behind the table deal killers) How does this affect the rest of your team?
• How on board are the people not on this call?
• What do your colleagues see as the main challenges in this area?
• What are we up against here?
• What is the biggest challenge you face?
• How does making a deal with us affect things?
• What happens if you do nothing?
• What does doing nothing cost you?
• How does making this deal resonate with what your company prides itself on?
• It seems like X is important
• It seems you feel like my company is in a unique position to X
• It seems like you are worried that X.

e) Non-cash offers: those possessed by your counterpart that would be valuable

Takeaways

How often does negotiation arise in your daily lives? Would the above methodologies be
effective to you? Let me know how you have successfully applied the above in the comments below.